


Mother and Son

by Nocticola



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Abuse Aftermath, Autistic Nathan Wuornos, Child Abuse, Episode: s05e20 Just Passing Through, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Little Nate's fave things, Mother-Son Relationship, Nathan's backstory, Nightmares, Pancakes and Pet Shop Boys, Parent-Child Relationship, Pre-Canon, Religious abuse re: the Troubles rhetoric, no death yet but it's probably coming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2018-11-30 07:43:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11459118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocticola/pseuds/Nocticola
Summary: Elizabeth's and Nathan's life together.Chapter 6: Nathan Hansen AU





	1. From Hansen to Wuornos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan's backstory with his mother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My ideas of trying to make Nathan's canon backstory work.

Elizabeth is originally a Mainer herself. She's from Derry and like so many other Mainers she went to Orono for college. While there she met Garland Wuornos and Max Hansen. While there is no love lost between the men, Elizabeth quickly befriend Garland and starts dating Max. Max was charming, flirty and seemed nice. With hindsight, she can see the warning signs. She wishes she had been better at recognizing them, but she was young. Her relationship with Max was rather difficult and often on/off. After a while, her friendship with Garland also waines. Max makes her feel alone and isolated and she doesn't know how to get out of it.

After college, she moves with Max to Haven. She hopes that will make things better between them. He gets a job and they get married. It helps the situation, for a while. She manages to make her own friends in Haven. Eleanor and Laverne really help her settle in. Haven really starts to feel like home to her. But her relationship with Max gets worse and worse. She's not sure why she stays. Her friendships suffer, she feels isolated.

They have been married a few years when she finds herself pregnant. It's the only good thing that has happened to her in years. She loves the life inside of her but she also knows that Max is possessive enough that he won't hurt her now, in order to not damage his 'property'. Not that he really cares. He works more, drinks more, pays little attention to her needs as long as the pregnancy doesn't have problems. She wants so much better for her child but she doesn't know how to give them that. She reconnects with Garland, who is eager to help with the pregnancy. He's a smart enough to know what has been going on with her marriage but he's as helpless to know what to do as she is. For now, she's safe, so they don't talk about it.

Her waters breaks in the middle of December in 1975 , and she gives birth to a beautiful, quiet, blue eyed boy. She's never loved anyone like she immediately loves him. She names him Nathan, with Max insisting on Thaddeus as a middle name. It's quite old fashioned, but she actually likes Thaddeus. It ends up being one of the few things Nathan gets from his biological father.

***  
Elizabeth had heard rumors about the Troubles, both in her hometown and at college. It wasn't something people actually talked about during the Trouble free years of the cycle. She never asked whether Max (or Garland, Eleanor or Laverne or any other Havenite she met) was Troubled. She had no reason to. Until one day, when Nathan was 18 months old, Max came home yelling about not feeling anything. She never knew what triggered his Trouble. She didn't want to know. Max was barely ever home, which was better for everyone. But now he was home and he was manhandling Nathan, yelling and bruising him while Nathan just stands there quietly with a look of quiet panic on his face. Nathan knows better than to antagonize his father. 

"Max! Max, stop!" Elizabeth tries to protect Nathan by pulling him away from his father's arms.  
"You say that brat is mine, prove it! I have this, so if he's mine, he has it too!"  
"He's 18 months old! Troubles don't work like that!"  
"How the fuck do you know how the Troubles work, you're not even from here."  
"I know enough to know he's too young. And this cycle has barely even started yet."  
"Your pal Wuornos told you that? I'm not deaf and blind, I hear the rumors about you too. I can I be sure something wasn't going between you two before this? "  
""As much as you may hate it, I am allowed to have friends. Nothing has happened between us. But he has been here, for us, while you're off doing god knows what. Nathan is yours. You touch him again like this..."  
""And you will what? You have no proof of anything."  
Max steps up to Elizabeth in his full height towering over, he's a huge man. She can't take him physically. All through the fight, Nathan has been hiding behind her leg. She notices that he pantleg is wet from Nathan's quiet crying. She so wishes she was stronger.  
"One day, I will have proof, and I'm getting you out of our lives for good. Trust me on that." She hopes her voice is strong enough to convince Max. It gets him to back off for the night. Max storms off and Nathan sleeps in her bed for the night. He's shaking and quietly crying in her arms.  
"It's alright, Nathan. You're save now. I will do everything I can to protect you. I love you."

***  
Nathan is very quiet and lonely kid. Elizabeth is a stay at home mother, so there's no need for daycare. Even though she tries, she can't always protect Nathan from his father. She finds mystery bruises on him too often. Sometimes it's worse. She ends up inviting Eleanor for very different types of visits she would like. Sometimes Julia is with her, with allows Nathan to have someone to play with and Elizabeth someone to cry to. She doesn't know what to do.  
***

One day, when Nathan is 3 and a half years old, he's sitting on the living room floor, drawing. Garland is visiting Elizabeth for coffee. Garland doesn't usually visit the housem Nathan's doctors are worried about his development. Elizabeth is scared about what it might mean, what Max might do if he found out. She wants what's best for Nathan, but these days she has no idea what that is. Garland ends up comforting her. They end up kissing. In that moment she so wishes she had made different choices. The kiss is brief. She doesn't know what to think about it. Nathan seemingly doesn't notice.  
"Beth, you need to leave Max. It would be better for the both of you."  
"I wish it was that easy. He would kill us if we left. Hurt his pride. Until he's out of the picture, until I know we won't end up dead, we need to stay."  
"I would protect you. Both of you. Love Nathan like my own. You know that."  
Elizabeth can't help the hollow laugh that leaves her mouth. "I do know that Garland. But until he's gone, we can't leave."  
"I will do everything I can to make that happen. "  
Garland, please don't do anything illegal. I.... I love you, and one of the reasons is how good you are. "  
Garland kisses her again. It feels nice, safe, good. She wants that. Wants him.  
"I will do everything I can *legally* do. I will save you."  
Elizabeth wishes she was stronger. She's scared of what might have to happen for freedom to be a possibility.  
***  
The worst happens on Nathan's 4th birthday. She's not even quite sure what exactly happened. It seems like she blacked out. All she now knows is that she is at the Ping, with a black eye and her son is dealing with a concussion. She's looking at her unconscious son when Garland comes to stand next to her. 

"There's enough proof now. You could get a restraining order, press charges. A divorce. He won't be able to charm his way out of this one."  
Elizabeth starts to cry. She knew it would take something awful like this before they could be free. She just wishes her son didn't have to be the one to feel the consequences. Later Garland tells her how Nathan tried to protect her which made Max so angry he hit Nathan in the head so badly he fell to the ground. She feels so guilty of not being able to protect her son better.  
She finally gets a restraining order and presses charges for her injuries. She doesn't want to drag Nathan into a legal battle. He gets a short sentence, but it is enough. She divorces Max, but he refuses to give up his parental rights, so Garland can't yet officially adopt him. Haven is a small place, and they don't always care about official matters. Nathan becomes Wuornos unofficially years before it becomes his name legally. 

After a small ceremony at the courthouse, Garland buys a house for the three of them. Nathan starts to slowly open up, to Garland and his school mates. While he can't get rid of the memories in his nightmares, he seems to forget his real father during his waking hours. Elizabeth is at least glad of that.

***  
Years later, in February 1983, Elizabeth is again looking at an unconscious Nathan through the window of a hospital room. One of the last things she ever wanted to happen to Nathan, happened. He's Troubled. His arm broke when he crashed a tree sledding. It's almost funny, that after everything Nathan's been through, his Trouble was activated by something so normal. 

When he got into the hospital, with the help of that Crocker kid, Duke, he was still in shock, so the doctors sedated him for a while. Maybe it's for the best. It will give her time to figure what to do.  


The years they've spent with Garland have mostly been happy. Nathan doesn't seem to consciously remember Max, so there's no obvious stepdad issues. But sometimes Garland seems worried about what his first 4 years did to Nathan and he isn't as open and warm as Nathan would want. She tried her best, but Nathan is starved for affection that Garland doesn't seem to be able to give him. Maybe he's still worried about Max. As far as they know, he hasn't tried to make any contact with Nathan since he put him in the hospital even though he's back in Haven. Stalking a cop's wife and kid is probably too risky for him. But she's worried what will happen now that Nathan is once and for all proven to be Max's biologically. Now that he can't feel.  


She's caught up in her thoughts when Garland is once again standing next to her while seeing their son on a hospital bed.  


"I didn't want him to have it. He could never have been anyone's but Max's, but I didn't... I hoped he was spared this. He doesn't deserve this."  


She starts to sob and Garland hugs her to him, stroking her hair, not saying anything. If Garland feels somehow emasculated by this clear proofnthat Nathan isn't his, he better keep it to himself. She's just tired. She wants things to finally get better and stay that way. 

"It's gonna be alright, Beth. The Troubles should end this year, he doesn't have to suffer this condition long. I talked with the doctors. We don't have to even tell him about the Troubles. There's a decent diagnosis they can use for his condition. He'll get physical therapy for a few weeks and then he can manage until the Hunter. He doesn't have to hear about Max."

She buries her face deeper into Garland. Should she lie to Nathan like that? Wouldn't it be better he know the truth? But he's still so young. His nightmares have gotten less frequent but he still has them. Does she want to tell him that they're true? What will the truth do to Nathan and Garland's relationship? Nathan deserves the truth. Eventually. Now he deserves to be spared from it.  
***

Something seems to go wrong with the end of this cycle. Nathan's Trouble doesn't go away. No one really knows why, but considering his history and the bullying he's been subjected to, it's possible that it's psychological. If anyone else's Trouble stays, they don't speak about it.

The death of the Colorado Kid has upset a lot of people. Garland and most of the town suspects Max. Elizabeth doesn't know what to think about it. Could her ex husband be a murderer? She can't rule it out. But the case makes Garland obsessive and when you're dealing with a 7 year old who is still going through an adjustment period to adapt to a disability, you would wish your spouse was helping you more with it. The Trouble's non-disappearance doesn't help. They just have to adjust and hope it will go away on it's own or through an anti-trigger or something.

They eventually get quite adept at dealing with Nathan's Trouble. They figure out what is easy to eat (pancakes are a clear favorite), that a heard heartbeat can be comforting like a touch and to always be careful and watch yourself for surprise injuries. It's not perfect. There are still many hospital visits (it's almost a relief to actually *go* to a hospital when he's hurt, now), and sometimes the lack of physical connection is overwhelming to Nathan (as well as the bullying) but they manage.

One morning Elizbeth wakes up to horrible news. A family has been killed in a suspected arson case. When Garland gets home for lunch, he tells her they're very sure that Max is the culprit. There is an inapproriate smile on his face when he tells her he might actually really get Max this time. Hearing that, Elizabeth realizes that she has lived all these years fearing for the day that it all crumbles down. If Max was really *gone*, she could finally feel safe. Nathan could be safe. It's almost heady to think about it.

This time she's less upset about Garland's overtime. That family deserves justice. And if she's honest with herself, her family deserves justice, too. 

Garland is away because of the case when it happens. Garland had called the day before about the guilty verdict. But it really hit when she could read it right there, in black and white in the _Haven Herald_. Max would be in Shawshank from 25 years to live. He could not affect them anymore. The sense of relief is so overwhelming, she let's out a watery sob.  


"What's wrong Mom?"  


Nathan is over 9 years old now. He's getting so big. He's gonna be his father's height when he's older, she can already tell. He has his baseball glove on. It's still too dangerous for him to play sports with other kids but he still likes to practice by himself.

"Nothing, baby. Everything is fine. Just reading about your father's case." It's not until she's said that she realizes the double meaning. She's still glad Nathan doesn't know.

Nathan comes to stand by her to read the article. He reminds her so much of Garland sometimes. It makes her happy. She looks for the minor changes in Nathan's expressions. Nathan has always been very emotionally contained. She doesn't know if he still has nightmares about Max. She suspects that Nathan considers himself too big for nightmares or at least to acknowledging them to his parents. She doesn't see recognition but she does notices a hint of calmness in him. Like something had changed.

"OK, it's time for you to get ready for school now. I'll finish your lunch and drop you off." She puts her hand on his arm for a moment. Skin on skin contact. It was something they worked hard to achieve, getting Nathan to be comfortable with skin on skin contact without actually feeling it. But Nathan is an adjustable kid, and when he can see the touch, it does usually have the desired effect. 

It takes a few steps for Nathan to realize what happened. He stops, stares at his hand for a moment. He's not sure how to feel about it, so he walks back to his mother who has moved on with reading the paper.

"Mom. Could you..." Elizabeth turns to him, puzzled. "Could you touch me again?"  
"Of course."  
He walks to his mother, who takes a hold of his hand as soon as it's close enough. Nathan takes in a surprised, shocked breath.  
"I... I feel that."  
"You do?" Elizabeth is shocked too. She touches Nathan's cheek now, looking in to his so blue eyes. There's an emotion she's seen way too rarely in his eyes. Joy.  
"I feel that."

Elizabeth hugs her son. Today is such a good day. She will need to call the school to give Nathan at least a day off. Just because this adjustment will be nicer does not mean Nathan doesn't deserve an adjustment period. 

Afterwards, Nathan spends hours just feeling things in his room. During his experiments, Garland gets back home.  
"I don't think I've seen you smile like that since first week of college."  


It's very sad that Garland might be mostly right. But she has felt this type of happiness since before she met Max. She was this happy on December 14th, 1975.  


"Nathan can feel again! His Trouble is finally gone!" She can't help the volume of her voice. She's too excited and happy. But Garland doesn't mind. In fact, he's hugging her like there's no tomorrow. When he finally let's her down, he's already full of questions,  
"What happened? Did it just, go away like that? Why now?"  


Elizabeth has had some time to think about the situation.  


"It's because we're finally free." She shows him the Herald. "Max is finally gone from our lives. We can finally stop being afraid he will take this away from us. Nathan doesn't know it but I think he sensed it, somehow. We're finally free, thanks to you."  
She kisses Garland and it reminds her of that first time, when she was still so scared. Now she has actual hope. Because of this man.  


"There is a possibility to make this permanent. Make sure he can never get at Nathan."  
"How?"  
"I talked with him. He promised that if he can see Nathan one last time, he'll sign away his parental rights. I could finally adopt Nathan."

"You're asking me to expose my son to his abuser of a biological father, now a convicted murderer..."  
"No. I would never do something that would harm Nathan. He just has to be in the room with him. Max wants to see him before he will sign."  
"You're talking taking my son to prison so that... that *asshole* can stare at him? He doesn't deserve to be anywhere near Nathan."  


Elizabeth is very not-keen on the idea. Luckily Nathan was young enough to not have proper memories of his early childhood. He's old enough now that a trip to prison is memorable. She doesn't want to expose Nathan to anything that might make him remember his childhood. Certainly not now when he has been cured.  
"I could take him on a trip, tell him I have to deal with some paperwork quickly. He will be on the other side of the room, he won't hear a word Max says. OK? I don't want him to hurt any more than you do. I want to adopt him. Really make him a Wuornos. This is how we can do it. Please? I want him to be legally mine."  
"Fine. Set up the meeting. But they won't be in the same room longer than 30 minutes. Max will not speak to him."  
"I promise."

"Dad! Did you hear already?" Nathan asks excitedly.  
"Sure did, kid. Come here."  
Nathan and Garland rarely touched. But now, Nathan looks so happy and peaceful in his father's arms. Garland also looks happy. Maybe things will finally work out.  
***  
For a while, they do. The prison visit does not end up causing problems and within a month, Nathan is officially a Wuornos. Of course Nathan doesn't know that. It makes Elizabeth again wonder about the truth. She likes the lie too much right now to sully it with the truth. She will tell him when it's the right now. 

For once, things are good and right. She doesn't want to ruin that. They've earned their happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 deals with post-troubles/Hansen, pre-death time period  
> Chapter 3 is a Nathan Hansen AU aka no getting (semi)adopted by Garland at age 4.


	2. Post-Troubles

The day after Nathan regains his sense of touch, Elizabeth gets a call from the school. Nathan had been so excited to go back to school, to show how *normal * he is again. But now that the initial euphoria has gone down, every sensation is too much. His other senses also haven't settled but are still heightened. Nathan started feeling overwhelmed by lunch hour. All the noise and contact of the other kids made Nathan freak out and he is waiting at the nurse's station.

Elizabeth finds him curled up into himself opn a gurney. She talked with the nurse and the school, and they made an arrangement that Nathan could be home schooled for a while, as long as his studies didn't suffer, until his sense will adjust again. 

“Hey,” she whispers when she enters the empty, almost dark room. 

Nathan's head was buried in his arms. In the darkness of the room, she sees his head move and sees his eyes open and look at her. She walks closer to Nathan. 

“Can I touch you?” 

Nathan sniffles but nods his head. She starts gently stroking his head, helping him calm down. 

“It was too much. I thought I'd be OK, but… my, my clothes, the desk, the noises, everything… it was too much. I still hear too well,” Nathan whispers, barely audible. 

“Shh, it's OK. Everything's new again. It's OK for you to take some time to adjust. I've arranged for you to stay home for a while. You get to be homeschooled, OK?” 

Nathan holds his eyes closed tightly, concentrating only on his mother's touch. He just nods. 

They stay like that until Nathan feels up to leaving. They wait until the other students will be in class, so Nathan can leave in peace. Elizabeth carries him to the car and Nathan buries his face in her coat, to be as near her as possible. 

It takes a few weeks for Nathan to be able to handle all of his senses again. He manages to keep up with school work and can finish his school year with the other kids. By that summer, Nathan is already all adjusted and almost forgetting what it was like to not feel anything physically. Elizabeth is glad. She can't wait to see who Nathan will be now, that he can just be normal and not be plagued by his father and his curse. 

*** 

Their life settles into a nice, normal, small town Maine routine. Nathan becomes slightly more outgoing and Elizabeth starts to feel more at home and settled in Haven. Now that she doesn't have to worry about Max, or Nathan's or Garland's Troubles. They can finally be normal. They can finally start healing. 

But there are certain things that can't be helped, like Nathan's nightmares. Nathan is almost 11 when Elizabeth wakes up in the middle of the night and hears disstressed sounds from Nathan's room. She is getting up from the bed when Garland's hand takes a hold of hers. 

“Let him be. He will be fine.” She makes her way to Nathan's room. Nathan's quickly rubs tears from his eyes and tries to turn from her, hoping she doesn't notice he's awake. Elizabeth just smiles slightly at him, sits on his bed and strokes his hair. 

“Hey, are you alright?” 

Nathan is clearly trying to hide being upset. 

"Did you have a nightmare?"

Nathan tries to swallow a sob but doesn't succeed, so he just nods. 

"Wanna talk about it?" 

Nathan falls silent, seemingly having a conversation inside his head. He sits up on the bed, his eyes are red from crying, and he's still sniffling. 

"Could you hold me?" 

"Of course," she says and gathers Nathan in her arms. She just strokes his hair and rocks him back and forth for a few minutes, letting Nathan speak at his own pace, whispering comforting words. 

"There was a man. He couldn't feel anything, the way I didn't. But I think I did feel, in the dream. At first. He didn't like that. He told me I shouldn't feel, that I didn't deserve it. So... he... He didn't want me to feel but I *did*, but that also felt wrong, like I shouldn't. And then... and then I stopped feeling, but that wasn't enough for the man either... Nothing was... I couldn't do anything right... He hurt me." Nathan's words are halting whispers in the quiet night. "I think I've had that dream before," is the last thing he says before falling silent.  
Elizabeth is trying to hold her own tears back. She was really hoping Nathan wouldn't get these nightmares about Max anymore. Especially not in combination with his Trouble like this. She's scared she'll have to tell him the truth soon. She doesn't want to. She kisses the tops of Nathan's head, lets out a watery sigh before gathering Nathan into her arms.

"Do you want to sleep with us tonight?"

Nathan pulls back a little, looking uncertain. "Will Dad be mad?" 

She lets out a humorless laugh, "Of course not. You might be 10, but you're still our little boy. He'll understand." 

Nathan looks thoughtful and uncomfortable for a moment. Garland can be so harsh with Nathan sometimes. Never the way Max was, but Garland has certain ideas about who Nathan should be and how to go about making him into that person, that Elizabeth thinks he doesn't always understand what Nathan needs *now*. She knows Nathan picks up on Garland's expectations. Nathan's already decided he will be a cop, spending many afternoons at the station, and playing with his father's badge every time Garland leaves it unattended. She's not quite sure whether it is because that is what Nathan wants to be or what he thinks (knows) Garland wants him to be.  
Whatever the case, she knows Nathan is thinking that he's too big for this. That he shouldn't be crying over a nightmare (that he doesn't know was real life for him) and sleeping with his parents. But Elizabeth dries his face of tears and gives him an encouraging smile. So, he nods. That's always been the thing with Nathan. He tries to be so strong until he's given permission not to be. 

So, Elizabeth gets up with Nathan in her arms, head buried in her neck, arms tightly around her, and she carries him into their bedroom. Garland is sitting up on the bed, waiting for Elizabeth. He doesn't hide his disapproving expression before she can see it, but luckily Nathan doesn't. 

"Nathan's sleeping with us tonight," she tells Garland as she lays Nathan on the bed.

Both boy and man sit on the bed, looking uncomfortable and not sure how to proceed. Elizabeth shakes her head and sighs. Nathan has gotten so much of his personality from Garland. Mostly she's happy about it (better Garland than Max) but sometimes it frustrates her. She gently gestures for Nathan to more in the middle of the bed so she can get under the covers again. When she's managed that, she pulls Nathan into her arms again, and she can feel Nathan mold against her, but still not completely calm. Garland grunts disapprovingly, but lays down back on the bed. For a moment none of them move, but then Garland turns to his side and puts his arm on top of hers which is laying on Nathan's stomach. The weight of the hands of both his parents seem to relax Nathan enough for him to fall to sleep quickly. Elizabeth turns her hand so she can give Garland's a squeeze. They share smiles, and soon the whole family is fast asleep. 

### 

Nathan's woken up first in the morning and hasn't lingered in their bed like he used to do when he was younger. Elizabeth is sad about that, but she understands. She can hear sounds of playing from Nathan's room, which she hopes means that Nathan isn't still upset about the nightmare.

She turns to look at her husband who is awake, staring at the ceiling, looking pensive. She cuddles next to him, gives his cheek a kiss. Garland turns to grin at her and they share a brief kiss. They still have time before Garland has to leave, so they just lay together on the bed for a few minutes. Soon Elizabeth can sense that Garland is getting restless and she's sure they are heading for another argument. She's developed a sixth sense about these things. So, she disentangles herself from him, stretches and is about to get off the bed and go make breakfast (it's early on a post-nightmare morning, so she feels the need to make Nathan some pancakes) when Garland's gruff voice stops her on the edge of the bed. 

"You coddle the boy too much. You know he has a job he has to do. You babying him like this isn't what he needs."  
Elizabeth closes her eyes, tries to calm herself down. This isn't the first time they have had this argument, and it won't be the last. And yet, arguing with Garland, with anyone, really, is still difficult. She spent years being punished for every wrong word or action, real of imaginary. Sometimes it's still hard for her to trust that that won't happen again. That she can disagree, talk back to Garland or other people without ending up with a black eye or worse. Or having Nathan be punished instead of her. But this argument isn't about *her*, it's about Nathan, and it's always easier to protect Nathan than herself. She turns back to look at Garland who is sitting up on the bed but very particularly not looking in her direction but outside the window. 

"Excuse me for comforting our son when he had a nightmare about the abuse he went through," her voice is quiet but dripping with sarcasm. She doesn't want Nathan to overhear any aspect of this fight.  
Garland turns to look at her, and there is slight remorse in his eyes. But then his face hardens again. It's his 'cop face'. 

"You could have waited by his bed until he falls asleep. He's almost 11, he shouldn't be sleeping with his parents anymore. That's coddling him, and he really doesn't need that." 

"He's only 10. And after everything he's gone through, what *we* went through, you think I'm too lenient on him? By not requiring him to be some type of little emotionless soldier all the time? How dare you!" Her voice is still quiet but the anger in her voice is unmistakable. She suspects Nathan has caught on that something is going on because soon she can hear some _Pet Shop Boys_ song coming from his room. She hates the surge of emotion she feels. She feels angry and sad and helpless. She wants to protect Nathan from all of this, but she knows she can't. She never could. She wipes away her tears angrily. They have no place in this argument. Or maybe they do, since she sees Garland's face soften at her words or tears, or both.

"That’s not what I meant, Beth. I know he's a kid, and he should still be a kid. But he needs a certain upbringing, to make sure he survives when the cycle comes back. It won't be easy and he needs to be ready for that. You are not making him ready for that."

"The next cycle won’t start for another 20 years. And trust me, he’s a survivor, he will adapt. What he needs is a father who loves him. He doesn’t need you withholding affection from him, or you only reluctantly giving it. Do you really think he doesn't see that? Do think he doesn't feel it? He loves you, and he needs to see that you love him too. I know you do, and I know he does know, but he needs to see it. Maybe you will become the Chief and maybe he will become a cop, but he's not your underling yet. He's your son. Treat him like it. You don't need to ready him for a war that's 20 years in the future when he's 10. He has time."  


"But, Beth, I won’t be around when it gets really bad. He told so himself. He told me, that how I raised him, made him ready. I can't just ignore what he told me. He came back from the future to tell me that." 

Garland sighs, moves closer to her and hugs her from behind. Elizabeth leans back against him. She hates fighting like this. She just wants what's best for Nathan.  
"I'll try. But he can only do this once a month, tops." He kisses her cheek and they gently sit together for a while. 

"He grew up so good though. You should've met him. He's gonna fix this whole damn thing. I know he does. I just want to make sure that hapoens. It's important. The way he talked about it, it gets really bad. I just want him to survive that."  
"He will. But 'survive' is not all he has to do." They share one last kiss, and then Elizabeth is gets up, finally, to go make the pancakes. When they're done, she goes to get Nathan from his room. His eyes are closed, his knees are against his chest, and his head rests on top of his arms there, and he is concentrating on his music very intently. She sits next to him on the bed, and strokes his hair. Nathan turns off his music and looks at his mother. 

"Did you hear us fighting?"

Nathan nods.

"I'm sorry. Sometimes we... sometimes your father and I don't agree on certain things and we end up fighting. But we still love each other, and you. You don't have to worry about it." 

Nathan bites his lip nervously. "Was it about me?" he asks quietly, looking somewhere beyond Elizabeth. She sighs. She doesn't want to lie to him more than is necessary, but these are complicated things he shouldn't have to deal with yet. 

"In a way. But that's not on you. You just need to continue being you. You don't have to worry about the rest."

"Dad was mad about me sleeping between you two, wasn't he? He doesn't want me to be weak."

"You aren't weak. There is nothing wrong with having things affect you and getting some comfort. But for your father, it's complicated. Now, forget about all that and come eat pancakes." 

Nathan can't hide his excitement, "I thought I smelled them. But it's week day. Why would you make pancakes on weekday?" 

Elizabeth pulls Nathan closer to herself, kisses his forehead, "Sometimes my boys deserve special treatment." She takes Nathan's hand and walks with him to the kitchen. She made so many, there is enough for Nathan to reheat them for an afternoon snack. Despite the events of the nigt before and this morning, it ends up being a good day. 

***

Things do end up getting better, for a little while. Garland tries to stop thinking of the man Nathan will grow up to be and tries to concentrate on the boy he is. They get along better, going fishing. There is always an undercurrent of the Troubles and the next cycle, but sometimes they manage to live in the here and now.

Then she gets sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally continued this, yay!
> 
> OK, so, I've gone back and forth, trying to decide whether I'll write about her death or not and right now I'm going with 'no'. At least in this chapter. I have 2 relevant AUs I wanna write for this fic, which I will get to eventually, and it is possible that I will write a third chapter dealing with her illness, whatever it ends up being, but right now I don't wanna deal with that. I did deal with Nathan's reaction to her death in Parental Burials chapter 2 http://archiveofourown.org/works/11459103/chapters/25782126 . But her being sick and dying is not something I want to write right now.


	3. Moments in Time (Mother's day fic)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1) First word  
> 2) Finnish lullaby  
> 3) Pancakes  
> 4) Pet Wishes  
> 5) Cursed  
> 6) Patsy Cline  
> 7) 12th birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Mother's Day!

1) First Word 

Elizabeth has just finished feeding one year old Nathan his breakfast. Nathan was in a rather excitable mood so she is sure that Nathan only managed to eat half his food, the rest ended up all around the kitchen and Nathan's face. As she starts to clean up Nathan, she sighs good-naturably. 

"What am I gonna do with you when you get like this? You're a growing boy, you need to eat," she tells him. 

Nathan just smiles, and suddenly Elizabeth hears, 

"Mama!" 

Elizabeth laughs delightedly.

"Did you just say 'mama'? Say it again!" 

"Mama!" Nathan says again, clapping his hands excitedly. 

Elizabeth picks him up from his chair and kisses his messy cheek, not minding the food.

"Oh, mommy's so proud of you! You're so smart." 

Elizabeth and Nathan share smiles again. Her mood changes slightly as she says,

"We'll tell your father when he gets home," she is a bit worried about that. But she knows she should tell Max. She feels a lot more excited about telling uncle Garland. 

**** 

2) Finnish lullaby

3-year-old Nathan wakes up crying in his bed. He had a bad dream and even though he knows it’s not safe, (his Father doesn’t like it) he can’t stop himself from whimpering. He knows he should be as quiet as possible but there was something about the dream.

When he hears steps he hopes it’s just his mother. That his father isn’t here.

He calms down slightly when he does see his mother in the doorway but he still can’t quite calm down. His mother picks him up from the bed and starts rocking him back and forth.

“It’s OK, Nathan. It’s alright. You’re home and he’s not here.”

She strokes his hair and makes intelligible sounds. After a while of that, she starts singing quietly. ( _Joka ilta kun lamppu sammuu/ja saapuu oikea yö/_ ) It’s a language Nathan doesn’t recognize, but the melody is nice and calming, and there is something about that language. It calms him down.

 

After Nathan feels like he can speak again, he asks, 

“What language was that? I liked it.” 

“It was Finnish. My grandparents used to sing it to my mother, who sang it to me. That’s the only Finnish I know. Except of course, how to say ‘I love you’.” 

“How do you say that?” Nathan asks curiously. 

“Mie rakastan sua,” she says smiling. “At least that’s how it was told to me.” 

Nathan looks at his mother thoughtfully. “Can you teach me the song and how to say that?” 

Elizabeth kisses his forehead “Of course.” 

She sings the lullaby until Nathan falls asleep.

********

3) Pancakes

Elizabeth is in the kitchen during one Saturday morning, getting everything ready for making pancakes. Today is a big day. Nathan is starting kindergarten next week and Elizabeth wants to make Nathan pancakes to celebrate. She will even teach him how to do them today. Nathan has been asking her to teach him for the past few months (he started shortly after they escaped from Max, once he started feeling settled at Garland's place, their new home) and she finally feels he's old enough.

"Nathan! Come into the kitchen." She can hear Nathan's steady steps. He's still so shy. She hopes that won't get him in (lower case) trouble in kindergarten. She doesn't want anything to hurt Nathan anymore. She hopes he will at least make a few friends.

"Come help me pancakes." 

"Really?" Nathan smiles and his whole face lights up. 

"Really. Come sit up here. You can help me make the batter, and if all goes well, you can flip someone the pancakes." 

Nathan jumps up and down excitedly, and Elizabeth helps him climb up the step chair. 

\-- 

They manage to make quite a mess while making the batter, but it's all in good fun. When Elizabeth finally lets Nathan pour the batter on the hot frying pan, he does it with intense concentration. Not a drop is spilled, and his pancakes come out perfectly golden brown and round. He lets his Mom have the first one and it is delicious. 

Garland has been watching TV all day, or at least he has pretended to. He and Nathan still need to develop their relationship and Nathan wouldn't have been as carefree if he knew Garland was checking on them. But Elizabeth noticed him watching them and she smiled at him behind Nathan's back. For the first time in forever she feels like things might work out for the best. 

They have the pancakes for lunch, all three of them, and they are finally starting to feel like a family. ********* 

4)Pet wishes

Nathan is 7 years old when he comes to to sit next to his mother on the couch who is watching TV. Even though he can’t feel her anymore, he still snuggles against her side. Elizabeth looks down at him smiling. She notices a piece of paper in Nathan’s hand. 

“What’s this?” She points at it and Nathan sits up and carefully opens the paper. It’s a pet store flyer. 

“Could I get an aquarium?” Nathan asks, looking up at her with his best puppy dog eyes. "I've been saving up for a while, and I've read books on how to take care of them. And they are having a sale this weekend. There's space in my room. Please, can I have some fish?" 

"You've certainly done your homework on this, " Elizabeth smiles at him. "I'll have to talk about this with your father first, but I think I can give you a 'yes' right now." 

Nathan smiles and hugs her tightly, "Thanks, Mom!" 

"You're welcome. I'm quite surprised you want fish, though. Why not a puppy or a kitten?" 

Nathan falls silent, he looks thoughtfully at her before looking down at his hands as he says quietly, "You don't have to touch fish to love them." 

He doesn't want to see her reaction, so he just shrugs before going back to his room. 

Elizabeth looks down at the flyer and sighs. She hates Nathan has to go through this. But she hopes he'll pull through. 

********

5) Curses

When Nathan comes home clearly upset, Elizabeth fears the worst. It hasn't been that long since the tacks incident and she worries every day about what those other kids might do to Nathan. His Trouble leaves him physically vulnerable, and his sensitivity is easily taken advantage of. 

Nathan comes straight to her and doesn't even say anything before he is hugging her tightly. Nathan doesn't usually do this. But she is glad he does now. She hates his Trouble and what it has done to him. But Nathan adapts and endures. She just wishes his classmates would appreciate him.

She holds on to him and for a moment neither one of them says anything.

"Am I cursed?" Nathan asks against her stomach, voice sniffly, muffled and quiet.

"Of course not," she tells him. She kneels so that she's eye-level with Nathan and she can see he's been crying. She gently dries his cheeks and Nathan lets her. (He doesn't always, these days. It breaks her heart) 

"Did someone say something to you?" 

Nathan looks down at his feet and shrugs, "Kinda. Mostly they were just talking in general about people like me. That we have curses. And it's bad." 

"You are not bad. Do you hear me? Look at me, Nathan." He does, his face wet with fresh tears. She smiles at him. 

"You are not cursed. You are different, and sometimes that's hard. But there's nothing wrong with you. OK? You're my son, and you are perfect. Remember that. Don't listen to what those other kids say. OK?" 

Nathan smiles a little through his tears and nods. Elizabeth hugs him again and Nathan hugs back. "There's nothing wrong with you," she repeats for good measure. She hopes Nathan believes it. 

*******

6) Patsy Cline

Nathan wakes up one Sunday morning to his mother's voice. He loves her voice, soothing and beautiful, he always feels like everything will be OK when he hears her voice.

He's not sure whether he knows the song as he makes his way to the kitchen from his room. His mother is dancing around the kitchen, swaying to the song from the radio.

"Oh, Nathan, you're up. Come dance with me." Even though she notices Nathan, she doesn't stop her dancing, although her singing naturally pauses when she speaks.

"Who is the singer?" Nathan asks. He's not sure if he wants to dance or not, but he wants to make his mother happy. 

"It's Patsy Cline," she tells him happily before continuing her singing.

Nathan sits down and just watches his mother, transfixed. He never wants to forget how his mother looks at this moment. Happy, beautiful and carefree.

Nathan doesn't know where his father's been this early, but he comes home and smiles widely at his Mom. He seems to throw caution to the wind and dances with his Mom. 

It's one of the simply happy moments of Nathan's life, and he will always cherish it. 

*****

7) 12th birthday 

It's after midnight on a mid-December day, the 14th already, to be exact. Nathan crawls on the bed between his parents. It's his birthday and Nathan wants to wake up with his parents. He's turning 12 and even though that means he's a big boy now, he knows his parents will indulge him today. He’s the birthday boy. 

His father grunts at him but doesn't say anything. Nathan smiles. His mother wakes up enough to let him curl by her side. Nathan looks at the clock. He is quiet for a few minutes before the time is 

"12.43am. I'm officially 12," Nathan whispers even though there's no reason for it. 

His Mom looks at him and strokes his cheek. 

"My beautiful boy. Happy birthday." She kisses his forehead before she turns away to cough a little. 

Nathan freezes. He knows she’s sick. They don’t tell him much but he knows it’s bad. He decides to wrap his arms around her waist, sleep as close to her as he can. She pulls him closer, kisses his cheek, and Nathan calms enough to fall asleep. Today will be a good birthday. And it is. (The last good one Nathan has for decades)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For 2) Finnish lullaby I was thinking of this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8O691H93BAw
> 
> Here are the lyrics in Finnish, the Youtube video has the English lyrics literal word order translation, and then the proper translation.
> 
> Joka ilta kun lamppu sammuu  
> Ja saapuu oikea yö  
> Niin nukku-matti nousee  
> Ja ovehen hiljaa lyö  
> On sillä uniset tossut  
> Ja niillä se sipsuttaa  
> Se hiipii ovesta sisään  
> Ja hyppää kaapin taa  
> Ja sillä on uninen lakki  
> Ja sininen, uninen vyö  
> Ja unista jäätelön palaa  
> Se pienillä hampailla syö  
> Ja sillä on sininen auto  
> Ja se auto hyrrää näin  
> Surrur, surrur ja lähtee  
> Unen sinistä maata päin  
> Ja pieni sateenvarjo  
> On aivan kallellaan  
> Ja sinistä unien kirjaa  
> Se kantaa kainalossaan  
> Ja unien sinimaahan  
> Se lapset autolla vie.  
> Surrur, surrur ja sinne  
> On sininen, uninen tie.  
> Ja siellä on kultainen metsä  
> Ja metsässä kultainen puu  
> Ja unien sinilintu  
> Ja linnulla kultainen suu  
> Ja se unien sinilintu,  
> Se lapsia tuudittaa,  
> Se laulaa unisen laulun,  
> La-la-lal la-la-lal lal-laa.


	5. Just Passing Through Missing Scene/AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adult Nathan and Elizabeth meet in 1983.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an AU missing scene type chapter for 5x20 Just Passing Through. There kinda isn't time in the episode for this, but it's frustrating that although this episode gave her a name, it didn't even bother telling whether she's alive at this point or not. In my personal timeline/headcanon, she is, so here's Nathan meeting his mother during his travel back-in-time.  
> This doesn't necessarily fit with the prior chapters, either, so full AU.
> 
> Cameos from Vince and Audrey (Lucy and James mentioned)
> 
> Alternating point of view between Nathan and Elizabeth. (Will be occasionally somewhat repetitive, sorry, can't be helped)

NATHAN

Finding Vince looking as distraught as Nathan feels, he knows they should go back to the police station, to get back into their own time. There is nothing they can do here anymore. James is dead, Dave has been infected by Croatoan, no one remembers (except Lucy and Garland). Their job there is done. But there is something Nathan desperately wants to do. But he needs some time to do it. 

"Vince, I know we should get back to 2011, but... Could you give an hour? You could...Lucy could deal with some comforting." He wants to comfort her himself, wants to wallow in that pain of losing a child, but James was never really *his*, so he still has no idea how to mourn him. Vince has always been her friend. 

It seems like Vince comes back into himself again, looks at Nathan, confused. "Why would you... Oh. Beth. Of course. I'll tend to Lucy, you go see your mother." 

There is understanding and sympathy in Vince's expression now, and Nathan doesn't really know what to do with that either. He just nods, and starts walking back to... home. He looks back to see Vince go talk to Lucy. Maybe it's good that she gets to have that, at least. 

*** 

He knows he probably shouldn't do this. Who knows what happens if he sees himself. He can't remember what he was doing on this fateful day. So many things about his childhood are fuzzy, a mixture of age and trauma and illness, he now knows. It leaves him unsettled to think about it all, so he doesn't. 

Although, if he understands time travel correctly, he's already done this. Nothing he does will really change things. They've already happened. (He always met Sarah and connected with her; James always died; Garland always knew how he would end up; maybe he always met his mother on this day) 

It's odd to see how little his home has changed over the years. So many things about this little yellow house on the bluffs are the same now in 1983 as they will be back in 2011. When she was alive, it was always just big enough for the three of them. Nathan never had siblings, but if he had, he doubts they would have grown up in this house, they would have needed more room. But it's funny, how after she died, the house always felt too big and too small at the same time. Too many memories. Nathan hadn't lived there, hadn't really visited it, for a good 15 or so years before he moved back in. With Audrey, it finally feels like a home, again. 

He's nervous. He really should be thinking of some type of plan, about what he should say or do. He just knows he shouldn't pass up this opportunity. 

He knocks on the door. His mother, dyed blonde hair and blue eyes, shorter than Nathan, opens the door. 

"Hello." 

It's an emotional gut punch. Seeing Lucy was one thing, seeing his Dad another but this... He hasn't seen his mother since he was 12 and he doesn't know what to do. She looks so beautiful and alive and she's *here*, like he's wished she was so many times over the years, and suddenly Nathan understands why his father fell apart, why he stopped looking at Nathan, afterwards. They look alike. (He always knew that, it just hits him clearly, now) 

Elizabeth Wuornos is looking at Nathan so intently that Nathan is sure she will soon know all his secrets. He never had any secrets from his mother. 

"Can I help you?" his Mom is getting slightly suspicious at Nathan's silence. 

He needs to clear his throat twice to keep his voice from cracking. 

"I-I--I, I'm looking for your husband, Garland Wuornos," is the best he can come up with. It's not exactly wrong, but it's not right either. 

Then he hears it, music from his room through the open door. Oh, yeah. That's what he used to do. Surround himself in music, drown in it. Keep the rest of the world out. You don't feel music, just experience it. West Side Girls by Pet Shop Boys. Duke was right, he was a bit obsessed. 

"My husband's not here. He's still at work. You could try the police station." Beth is still looking at him, "I'm sorry who are you?" 

Nathan shows her the badge. Suddenly he remembers the pang of not getting to show her his real one. 

"Agent Butterworth, FBI. He's helping me on a case." 

She reaches out her hand, motions him to give her the badge. Nathan knows it won't really hold up to much scrutiny. Elizabeth looks at the badge intently for a minute (Nathan's not sure if that's from being married to Hansen or Wuornos, most likely both). 

"Nathan?" There is surprise in her voice and once again she is staring at Nathan with those piercing blue eyes they share. 

"Yeah. That's my name," he's pretty sure he's about to be found out (although Dad didn't), but he doesn't really know what else to say or do. 

*** 

ELIZABETH 

She's surprised to get a knock on her door at this time. Garland won't be home for hours, and Nathan has just come home. It might be Lucy and James, or maybe Eleanor, but the Troubles are keeping everyone pretty busy. She's surprised to find a mid-30s man with dark hair. He seems almost upset at seeing her. When she looks at him, she can't help but find him somehow familiar. 

"Hello," the man seems to have some trouble speaking at first, which makes Elizabeth even more curious and slightly wary of this man. The man seems at a loss for words, so she continues,  
"Can I help you?" 

The man finally finds his voice after a false start. 

"I-I--I, I'm looking for your husband, Garland Wuornos." 

Just then, Nathan starts listening to music. It moves the man's attention away from her. He has an odd look on his face, and Elizabeth ets more an more confused about the situation. 

"My husband's not here. He's still at work. You could try the police station." There is something about this man, but she can't put her finger on it. "I'm sorry who are you?" The man shows her his badge. She notices a look of pain cross the man's face at that. Odd. 

“Agent Butterworth, FBI. Your husband is helping me on a case.” 

FBI in Haven? That is not good. She reaches out her hand, motions the man, Butterworth, to give her his badge. She knows how to spot a fake badge, mostly from Garland. She looks it over for a minute, before really looking at the name. Nathan Butterworth. 

“Nathan?” She says aloud, surprised. She stares at the man. Could he be… There is something very familiar. Those eyes… 

“Yeah. That's my name,” the man says. He doesn't sounds completely convinced of his own name. He is uncertain about something. 

“Your… Your husband already told me your son is my namesake,” Nathan says, still sounding hesitant. “How old is he?” 

“He's seven. Second grade.” She's still not sure whether to trust what her instincts are telling her. She stares intently at this strange man. She is almost certain now… But before she says anything about her suspicions, she smiles and invites him in. 

“You can wait inside for Garland. Or you can at least call him, see if he's in his office.” 

*** 

NATHAN 

Nathan is not sure whether he really should go inside. Seeing his mother should be enough. His mom seems suspicious enough. And what if he… his younger self, comes out of his room and sees him? He doesn't remember seeing himself but that doesn't necessarily mean much. 

"I'm not intruding, am I?" Nathan rubs the back of his neck. He doesn't want to walk away from his mother again, not yet. He looks into the direction of his own room. 

Elizabeth's smile changes. Instead of being a polite smile while inviting in a stranger, there's real warmth and affection now. 

"You listen to music for an hour after school. You do it because you usually need to calm down afterwards. Nothing bothers you during that time. Just you and the music You're a pretty sensitive kid, Nathan Thaddeus." 

Nathan looks panicked. What gave him away? His mother doesn't look angry, though. 

"I'm right, aren't I?" his mother looks like she could cry. Nathan feels the same way. He bites his lip for a moment before whispering, still standing just outside the door of his home,  
"Yeah. Yeah, it's me, Mom." 

"Oh, Nathan," she puts her hand over her mouth for a moment before pulling him inside the house and her welcoming arms. Nathan fights back a sob and hugs her tightly, smells her scent he used to know so well. 

"My beautiful boy." 

She pulls back the hand that was at the nape of Nathan's neck. There are specks of blood there. 

Nathan chuckles a bit, "Dad's test. To prove I'm who I say I am." 

"Your father pricked you?" "Yeah. But I didn't feel it." 

"Nathan." He's missed that loving yet reproachful tone of voice. He's missed everything. "So, your Trouble is active again?" Nathan just nods. "OK." 

She takes him by the hand and takes him to the couch that is still there in the present and after they sit down she puts his head on her chest so he can listen to her heartbeat. He's missed this so much. They stay like that, Elizabeth muttering calming words while Nathan listens to her heartbeat, for about 5 minutes. But then she has to ask, 

"Why are you here, Nathan?" 

*** 

ELIZABETH 

"I'm not intruding, am I?" 

She is almost certain this Nathan is her Nathan and then he rubs his neck while staring towards his room, and she knows for sure. That is her son, all grown up. 

She was inviting him in to be polite, but now that she knows that this is Nathan, somehow, and she can’t stop the affection she feels for him. 

"You listen to music for an hour after school. You do it because you usually need to calm down afterwards. Nothing bothers you during that time. Just you and the music You're a pretty sensitive kid, Nathan Thaddeus." 

Nathan looks slightly panicked at being found out. 

"I'm right, aren't I?" she feels like she could cry. Her son, all grown up. It makes her so happy to see him like this. She’s never been sure whether she would. Nathan looks like he could cry too. It tells Elizabeth all she needs to know. Nathan bites his lip for a moment and whispers, like he’s scared of breaking a spell,  
"Yeah. Yeah, it's me, Mom." 

"Oh, Nathan," she needs to take a short calming breath and then she is hugging her son inside their home. She can hear Nathan make a whimpering sound and she wants to cry too. 

"My beautiful boy." 

She’s holding on to Nathan’s neck until she feels something odd. She pulls back her hand and there are specks of blood on it. 

Nathan chuckles a bit, "Dad's test. To prove I'm who I say I am." 

"Your father pricked you?" She’s not surprised, but she is disappointed. Garland should have found a way to test him without harming him. 

"Yeah. But I didn't feel it." 

"Nathan." Her Nathan’s Trouble is still newly active, so he’s not as cavalier about it as this Nathan is. But there have already been a few times when Nathan’s reaction to harm bothers her. She hates to ask, but she has to. 

"So, your Trouble is active again?" Nathan just nods. "OK." 

She closes the door finally and they move to the couch where they can better sit down. Nathan finds her heartbeat as comforting as he used to find her stroking his hair, and she really wants to comfort him again. She says whatever words pop into her head, with a calming voice and a comforting demeanor. She can tell Nathan is calm. She’s glad. Because there’s another question she needs to ask him. 

"Why are you here, Nathan?" One doesn’t travel through time for fun like this. 

Nathan pulls away from her, looks at her with a look of determination she’s occasionally seen in the mirror, but the mission he outlines is all Garland. 

“I needed to figure something out, and the answers where here, now, today. I’m really close to figuring out how to end the Troubles for good. I’m really close, Mom. I’m so close to fixing everything.” 

She knows he can’t feel it, but it makes her feel better, so she puts her hand on his cheek. Nathan puts his own hand on top of hers. “Your Dad always said you would.”  
Nathan gives her a wavering smile, and she knows he’s about to ask about something painful and difficult, so she beats him to the punch. 

“You know about Max, don’t you?” 

Nathan nods and croaks out a “Yeah.” 

There’s a lump in her throat. She hoped she never would have to tell him. Sure his Trouble gave it away, but she could have made up some other relative he could have gotten it from. They are still telling him it’s an illness. It was easier not to tell. 

“I’m so sorry. I should have told you. But when we got out, you were so young, and you forgot him really quickly, and I... I didn’t want you to remember. To know what...” and now she’s crying, and she’s glad her Nathan listens to music really loudly. 

Nathan pulls her into a hug. “Hey, it’s OK. I blame dad more than you. I still don’t really remember much.” 

She wipes at her eyes, “I’m glad. You shouldn’t have to remember any of it. I hate you had to go through it at all.” 

*** 

NATHAN 

“Your Dad always said you would.” 

Mentioning Garland brings up questions Nathan never got answers for. He’s trying to decide whether he’s strong enough to ask them, when his Mom breaks the ice on the issues. 

“You know about Max, don’t you?” 

Nathan nods and croaks out a “Yeah.” He feels like he should say more, explain how he finally found out, but he can’t. It’s not important. And now his mother is crying and rambling and he just wants to make her pain stop. 

“I’m so sorry. I should have told you. But when we got out, you were so young, and you forgot him really quickly, and I... I didn’t want you to remember. To know what...” Nathan pulls her into a hug. 

“Hey, it’s OK. I blame dad more than you. I still don’t really remember much.” 

She pulls away and wipes the tears from her eyes, “I’m glad. You shouldn’t have to remember any of it. I hate you had to go through it at all.” 

He holds onto his Mom’s hand, “I know you did your best.” 

Nathan can somewhat deal what happened to him when he was a kid. He’s read some of the police reports. He knows he could ask Laverne. But there is something people who weren’t directly involved can’t tell him. There’s no report that can tell him what he needs to know. 

“Did...” he really doesn’t want to ask this, but he needs to know. 

“What honey?” 

He takes a deep breath and then asks, “Did Dad want me? I mean, did either of them?” 

“Nathan...” his Mom sounds horrified at the question, but Nathan *needs* to know, so he doesn’t let her continue but starts talking almost frantically. 

“I mean, Max did all those shitty things to me, and I don’t know if you where ever happy, or if he changed at some point or... was I an accident? And Dad... I know he loved you, he loved you so much when you...” he can’t bring himself to say it, but he can see from his mom’s face, she knows what he means, “it destroyed him. For years. For ever. And I don’t... I don’t know if I was just some excessive baggage that came with you that he got stuck with. I know he eventually loved me but I don’t know if he ever wanted me.” And now he’s crying, and he really shouldn’t have said all those things but he needs to know. 

“Oh, honey,” his mother hugs him so tightly to herself and for a few minutes Nathan just sobs. He thinks about telling his Mom about James, but he can’t. His feelings about him are too jumbled. It will be his one secret from her. Doesn’t mean some of his crying isn’t for James. 

*** 

ELIZABETH 

How can she explain all of this to Nathan? How can she? She wants to yell at Garland. She always knew she might not be around long enough, but Garland was supposed to take care of Nathan. She wants to hurt Max, worse than she ever has before. Her son is in so much pain because of his fathers, and she can only do very little to comfort him. She kisses the top of his head, which is useless for Nathan but makes her feel better. She hates she has to do this. But Nathan needs and deserves the truth. 

After Nathan stops crying, he doesn’t disentangle from her and she’s glad. It’s odd to comfort her grown son, so tall and lean, but she doesn’t want to let him go. 

“You were always wanted. I loved you from the moment I found out about you. The day you were born was the longest but also the best of my life. You were absolutely perfect. Still are. I am so proud of who you are now and the person you’ve become,“ it’s important to her that Nathan knows that off the bat. No matter his fathers, she always wanted him. 

“The only things Max gave you were his height, your Trouble and your middle name. Max never loved anyone but himself. Our courtship was messy, the relationship even more so. I was young and naive and thought I might be able to change him, or he might change for me. He didn’t. He was convinced that just because he wasn’t faithful that I must not be either. When I got pregnant with you, he left me alone, because you might be his, an example of his virility. But you could also be proof of my infidelity, so he didn’t get attach. It got worse once his Trouble kicked in and yours wouldn’t. I haven’t met him in years, so I don’t know how he feels about you being Troubled, of finally having proof you’re his. You never could’ve been anyone else’s, but he never believed that.” 

For a moment they both fall silent. It’s a lot to take in. Before she continues, Elizabeth raises Nathan’s head so she can look at him. She is smiling through the tears. She’s glad she can tell Nathan that. Wuornos men are terrible at feelings, but at least she can give her son this. She doesn’t let Nathan turn away. 

“But your Dad... He loved me for so long. He tried his best to protect us. He loved you, too. From the day you were born. He’s your father in all ways but biological. He wanted you. We were a package deal and he chose us. OK? I want you to remember that. I don’t know what happens between you two... after, but he wanted us to be a family. He wanted you and he loves you. Never forget that.” 

Nathan nods, and hugs his Mom. “Thank you,” he whispers in her neck. He doesn’t want to let go. But he has to. 

“I have to go. I really shouldn’t have come in the first place.” 

“I’m glad you did. I love you, son.” 

“I love you, too, Mom.” 

Nathan freshens up a bit with Elizabeth’s help and after one final hug neither one of them wants to end, future!Nathan leaves. 

Later, when her Nathan comes out of his room, she makes him pancakes and they watch his favorite movie. Elizabeth holds him close the whole time, and Nathan lets her. She hates thinking about what he will go through in the future, what he’s already gone through. She wants to protect him from all that. Today she can. 

*** 

NATHAN 

Hearing Mom’s side of everything, it hurts, but both in a good way and a bad way. (He always wondered about his middle name) He wishes he could have protected his Mom from Max. But it’s good to know, that as much as Garland and him screwed up their relationship after, that there would have been something salvageable there. It doesn’t change how he felt, how Garland’s treatment ended up affecting him, but knowing he was wanted and loved by Garland helps. It was sometimes hard to see it, but it helps him look at their relationship differently. Less negatively. While he was able to get some closure with his father through their meeting today, there is still so much he couldn’t deal with yet. That’s what therapy is for, probably. 

It hurts to know he will never see his mother again. But now, finally, he has closure about his mother. He got to tell her he loves her one more time. A lot of things are clearer to him now. Now he has a clear memory to hold on to, on how she was, what she looked like, sounded like, smelled like. Who she was. He is grateful to have that. 

But he has a job to do, a town to save, his own family to go home to. He's not done yet but he is so close to finishing all this. Knowing his parents believe in him helps him carry on.

***

He meets up with Vince again. Neither one of them really speaks. They fnd Stuart Moesley and in a blink they are back in 2011. Audrey is waiting for him and they hug so tightly. They have a lot to talk about.

"I saw my Mom, too," he tells her in a whisper while they're still hugging.

"I'm glad. You can tell me all about it later."


	6. Nathan Hansen AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan grows up properly as a Hansen until Max goes to jail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is marginally easier to write than her dying, so this is the 2nd last instead of the last chapter.

Nathan Thaddeus Hansen is 5 when his Trouble activates. One day something happens that is finally too much. Did he finally become old enough? Was there something special in the way his father screamed at him, hit him, kicked him, on that day? Who knows. Nathan doesn't remember. He just remember doing something wrong, like he does almost daily, and waking up completely numb. His mother is holding him in her arms, crying. He can tell she's stroking his cheek, but he can't feel it. He looks away to find his father.

"You finally numb, boy?" he asks, angry.

Nathan just nods, and curls into his mother more. 'Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry' becomes his mantra.

"Guess, the brat is mine after all. Good thing too. Might not have to kill you two."

Nathan looks up to his mother's face. She is still crying, upset, there's a bruise on her face but she doesn't seem badly hurt. He's glad he got the brunt of the attack.

Nathan's not really surprised that his father tried to actually kill him this time. The only differences between today and the other times are the intent (difference between murder and manslaughter) and his Trouble saving him. 

Now at least it's undeniable. Max Hansen is his father. He won't be killed because he's a bastard. Max'll need another excuse.

His father is still drunkenly ranting when he leaves. His mother lays Nathan on the couch and goes to call someone. Nathan curls in on himself. He can't sense anything, he's just pervasively numb. He's scared. 

"It got so bad, Eleanor. Nathan's Trouble activated." Nathan can hear his mother crying on the phone. He wants to get up to comfort her, but he's not sure his legs work. His vision goes blurry, which must mean he is crying after all.

His mother comes back soon and she looks all cried. She picks up Nathan again him in her laps and whispers apologies. Nathan's head is on her chest and he can hear her heatbeat. Concentrating on that helps.

Sometime later, Eleanor and Julia arrive. Nathan immediately feels self-conscious, about all the blood, the mess. His freakness. Eleanor looks him over, taking stock of his injuries. She has no pokerface when it comes to Nathan's condition. She cleans him up and fixes his face. None of it feels like anything. Nathan feels numb but physically and emotionally.

When Eleanor is done, Julia stays with Nathan in the living room while their mothers go talk in the kitchen. Nathan hugs his legs to his chest. He's not looking at Julia, who sits awkwardly on a nearby chair. They don't talk. What's there to say? 'Sorry your dad beat you up'? 'Sorry I look so terrible and your mother couldn't get a babysitter at short notice'? 

Soon, Mom and Eleanor come back to the living. Eleanor is holding some kind of medicine bottle in her hands. Mom comes to pick Nathan up and he obliges. Feels so weird to not feel a thing. She takes him to his room and puts him on the bed, tucking him under the covers. It can't actually be too late, but Nathan doesn't really mind. Eleanor follows them into his room.

"Sit up a bit sweetheart. I'm going to give you some medicine that will help you get some rest. Ok?" 

Nathan does as he's told. The medicine tastes horrible, but at least he still has that sense. It starts affecting him soon, he feels so tired. His mom doesn't leave his side until he's fast asleep.

###

Elizabeth exists Nathan's room to find Eleanor waiting for her. She falls into her arms, crying. It's been the worst day of her life.

"He said he was going to kill us."

"What are you going to do? You two can't continue living like this."

Elizabeth pulls apart from Eleanor, wipes her eyes. "I don't know. Unless we leave Haven, I don't think I can leave him. He'll find us and kill us. We're his property."

"I could give Nathan a diagnosis. There are conditions that could hide his Trouble. Something like, idiopathic neuropathy. He wouldn't be the first Hansen to do that."

"Nathan's not sick, he's Troubled. At least here he can be who he is."

Elizabeth hugs herself and sighs, "I don't know what to do. I don't want this for Nathan. I don't want him to grow up like this. But I'm scared of what Max might do. He wouldn't just let us go."

"You know I'll do whatever I can to help you two. But... something needs to be done."

"I know. We just have to figure something out."

###

Their lives change, afterwards. Max stays a drunk and angry, and he still occasionally hits Elizabeth, but he still manages to do without leaving too many marks. And now that Nathan's paternity is no longer in question, Max starts molding Nathan more in his own image. The abuse changes shape, more verbal than physical now. Now that Nathan lacks physical weakness, Max wants to make sure he doesn't have any emotional ones. 

School helps with that endeavor. Nathan isn't bullied exactly, but he is ostrasized, isolated, because no one wants to hang out with a Troubled freak. Or the son of a hardened and Troubled criminal. Everyone knows his home situation. Everyone suspects what his trigger was. But no one talks about it. At 5, he was one of the youngest who were known to be Troubled. No one talks about that either. 

The next summer, the Troubles are officially back and no one can deny it. It complicates their situation. Max gets more involved with them. He gets a Guard tattoo yet cousies up to the Rev. Elizabeth doesn't know what he's doing or what his endgame is. He involves Nathan as much as possible, taking him to church where he learns to hate his Trouble, how he needs to ask for forgiveness for his very existence. Neither Elizabeth nor Nathan know what he does for the Guard, or how he keeps both Driscoll and Vince happy. Elizabeth suspects none of it is pretty. 

Elizabeth tries to keep Nathan as save as she can. She'd prefer it if he wasn't involved at all, but she goes to church with him, tries to counteract what he hears. 

"You are a good person. Your Trouble doesn't make you lesser. The Rev is wrong." She tries to tell Nathan every day. She can tell Nathan wants to desperately believe her, but everything going on in Haven tells him otherwise.

###

A few years of this, as yet another cycle of Trouble is ending, Elizabeth wakes up to yells of "Police! Open up!" 

Garland Wuornos is by her door, telling he needs to find Max. There's been an arson. A nearby family has died in a fire and Max is the main suspect. Elizabeth is devastated at the news. She knew the family. Even with everything Max has done, she still struggles thinking of him as a murderer. Being a murderer's wife. 

Nathan has gotten up and he listens what is happening. He tells the cops,  
"Max isn't here. He hasn't been home in a few days."

Garland kneels and smiles at Nathan at eye-level. 

"Thanks for your help, kid." 

Nathan shrugs and rubs his neck, uncomfortable and goes to get a little more sleep. 

"Nathan's right. I don't know where Max is. So, if he tries, we won't alibi him." 

"Good, good. We'll find him. Don't worry."

###

And they do. Max is caught and he proclaims his innocence. No one in town believes him. Dave Teagues' testimony, his reputation, his lack of alibi, it all leads to him being convicted, 25 to life. 

Being freed from Max, and later from the Troubles, makes their Nathan's and Elizabeth's lives somewhat easier. But being the wife and son of a murderer is not and easy reputation to shake. They are both shaped by the years they spent with Max, under his control and abuse. But they're survivors.

Another few years later, Elizabeth marries Garland. But he can't adopt Nathan because despite everything, Max won't relinquish his parental rights. Nathan acts like that doesn't matter but his relationship with Garland is difficult. He acts out and gets into trouble. Garland and Elizabeth both worry about what will become of Nathan. They hope he's not too much his father's son.


End file.
